Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Mommy Driving School

I've been hearing the National Safety Council is trying to push a law that bans using cell phones while driving.  A local radio station was asking listeners to weigh in on the subject, and a man called in with this brief response that cracked me up:
"If they're going to ban cell phones, then they need to ban children under the age of 5 as well.  My son has caused more distraction to my driving than my cell phone ever could."  

This reminded me of an idea I had awhile back: Mommy Driving School.  Why do we send 16-year-olds to driving school before we put them behind the wheel, and do nothing for women who are about to have to drive while bottle feeding?  I'm a six year veteran of mommy driving and there are still times I'd like to throw up my hands and call a cab!
So here's how Mommy Driving School might look.  For starters, students would be taken out driving in a minivan, to get them used to the idea of no longer being cool, with a big "Mommy Driver Vehicle" sign on the top for fair warning to the other drivers.  You would need more than just an instructor in the car. To take the place of the children, actors or simulators in the back would be a necessity, preferably ones who could whine loudly.  Suggested material to cover would be:

-Answering Complex Questions in a Traffic Jam
-Singing Loudly & Obnoxiously Enough To Keep Your Toddler From Napping Until You Arrive Home
-Breaking Up Fights in the Back Bench Without Ever Taking Your Hands Off the Wheel
-Rapidly Locating the Nearest Potty Stop in a New Part of Town
-Successfully Tossing a Kleenex Two Rows Back to the Kid With Snot Hanging Past His Chin (harder than it sounds)
-Navigating Your Way to a New Destination with Continuous Rounds of "When Will We Be There?!?" in the Background
-Serving Lunch or Snacks Without Taking Your Eyes Off the Road
-Contorting Your Arm Backward to Retrieve the Fallen Pacifier 
-Merging Onto a Major Highway While Listening to: "He's Looking Out MY Window!!"

Students who pass the class would be given the "Mommy Driver Vehicle" sign instead of a certificate so that the other drivers would have more patience with these slow-to-notice-the-green-light drivers. Or maybe, other drivers could just be on the lookout for the uncool minivans; because inside them are ladies ready to pull out their hair and having the most wonderful adventure of their life, all at the same time.


  1. Hey! I'm a teenager still, and I would totally buy myself a minivan if it didn't use up more gas than a car.

    Besides, I think you and your kids are putting me through Mommy Driving School before I am a mother. I've done #2 and #3, and I will do #8 on Saturday.

  2. This is great, Alyssa!


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