Sunday, April 29, 2012

Faithless Me and a Faithful Father {again}

Seven and a half months.

That's how long it's been since my husband last kissed me goodbye and headed off to work. I've written about it before; but with the job credentials he has, we never could have imagined that when Steven's contract was cut short last September we would go more than a couple weeks without a job. But with some large cuts the government made, here we are at the end of April. No job.

Now on the grand scheme of things, this is a small trial. There are quite a few people I'm close to who are going through much more significant difficulties than this. I'm just taking this post to write honestly about what has been going on in my own life.

During the first six months, I was constantly being blown away with what God was teaching me about living for eternity and the spiritual growth that He was working in my life. More than once when someone said, "I'm sorry", I could honestly answer, "Don't be!"

Then the seventh month hit. And I hit a serious low point. I told God, "I'm done; I don't want to do this any more." I felt depressed. Depressed that even though I watched my husband work harder to find a job than I could ever ask, we were still jobless. Depressed that two jobs had been offered and had both fallen through. Depressed that I could no longer see what God was doing. Depressed that I no longer felt intensely close to Him in the midst of this trial. And I struggled with guilt that I could be so faithless. So faithless after my heavenly Father had cared for me so tenderly. Many days, I would start to try to fight for joy and then simply quit. It went on like this for about four weeks.

But... "If we are faithless, He remains faithful for He cannot deny Himself." (2 Tim. 2:13)

One morning as I read Valley of Vision, God used part of the prayer to touch and convict my heavy heart. It read:
"Forgive me for serving thee in sinful ways-...
by a faith that rest upon my hold on Christ, not on Him alone."

In that devotion time, the Lord started to help me see that I had begun to place my faith on what I had learned and experienced during this trial, and not on God alone. The Bible calls me over and over to have faith in my sovereign, redeeming Creator; but it never burdens my soul with asking me to have faith in my own faith.

This is where I was tripping up over and over again. I began to understand that I was craving to be able to see how God was at work, and not trusting that He was at work whether or not I could see it. He has been using the story of Joseph in the Old Testament to minister to my soul. He has helped me realize that the same God that used slavery in Egypt to further His redemptive plans, can use a difficult season to further His glory even if I never fully understand how.

I'm not doing this perfectly even now, mind you. But with my focus pulled away from the burden of my faithlessness and redirected to the Rock on which I stand, with my eyes pulled off the fleeting problems of this moment and back onto a cross that secures an eternity with God, I can honestly say that my Father has pulled me out of a dark place and back into His marvelous light.


1 comment:

  1. He is so faithful to us. I can not tell you how many times I have seen him answer prayers that would seem insignificant to him but heart wrenching to me. Of course I can also tell you many times in the last few years that I have begged and cried for an answer to prayers that have just not happen yet. Hang in there and it is so awesome that he is faithful through it all!!!!!


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